Scene 1 (Forks High School)
BELLA: Hello, I’m Bella. I’m beautiful and mature.
HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS: Hi Bella. We are so jealous of you.
HIGH SCHOOL BOYS: Hi Bella. We're here to follow you around to make sure the audience understands how beautiful you are. Later on one of us will ask you out so that you can reject us, thus proving how superior you are, too. Wow! You are so great!
AUDIENCE: You go girl!
EDWARD: Hello, I’m Edward. I have smoldering eyes and rippling muscles under my fashionably tight turtleneck. I will now look moody and tortured by you.
AUDIENCE: Ooo! He’s so cute when he’s tortured.
Scene II (icy parking lot)
BELLA: Oh! A van is careening toward me out of control! My hair! Not that I care about it! It’s just naturally graceful! Save me!
EDWARD: Here I come to save the Daaayy!!
(screech, crunch)
BELLA: I think there is something up with this Edward fella.
Scene III (hallway)
BELLA: (back of hand to forehead) Alas! I swoon!
EDWARD: I catch!
BELLA: Where did you come from?
EDWARD: I’ve been secretly stalking you, eavesdropping on your conversations and reading the minds of people around you with my superhuman powers. I also sneak into your bedroom at night to watch you undre..er…sleep.
BELLA: That would be really creepy if you were some ugly dude.
EDWARD: Yes, but I’m not.
AUDIENCE: Ooo! YES! He’s so romantic!!
Scene IV (a street)
BELLA: Ooh! Some rough looking characters who are most likely up to no good! Save me!
ROUGH CHARACTERS: Heh! Heh!
AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss! When will Edward come?
EDWARD: Here I come to save the Daaayy!!
AUDIENCE: Hooray!
Scene V (a beach)
JACOB: Hello, I’m Jacob.
BELLA: Hello Jacob, I better single you out since you’re the only werewolf here and I need to be in the thick of things, unlike this plot.
JACOB: Perhaps sometime in one the sequels I can be the device to put Edward into a jealous rage, thus proving his true love for you.
AUDIENCE: Ooo! Yeah! We want to see Edward jealous! I bet he's handsome when he's jealous!
JACOB: (eyes darting from side to side) Of course all that werewolf stuff is just a bunch of Indian gobbledegook which always turns our to be right. I mean come on, we’ve all seen Poltergeist and Dances with Wolves.
BELLA: Are you upstaging me?
SCENE VI (an isolated field)
EDWARD (all sparkly like Christmas tinsel)
BELLA: Ah! So this is what happens when you go out in the sun!
EDWARD: Yes. There is really no viable reason for it but it makes for a great CG shot.
BELLA: Are you upstaging me?
EDWARD: I lurv you! You are so beautiful and mature and you smell just like Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream! Let’s go play baseball! That will really impress you!
AUDIENCE: We’re impressed.
BAD VAMPIRES: Who’s got Chunky Monkey?
Scene VII (airport)
CULLENS: We must rescue Bella from those bad guys! We will use our magical powers to keep her safe!
BELLA (runs through a bathroom)
CULLEN #1: Bella has escaped!
CULLEN #2: The bathroom has two doors?! Well, that’s just crazy!
CULLEN #1: How are our magical powers, super strength, and the wisdom of extended lives supposed to contend with that?
CULLEN #2: Forget it! Let’s go home and play Game Cube.
AUDIENCE: Ooo! Bella is so resourceful!
Scene VIII (dance studio)
BELLA: A VCR? Where’s my mommy?
BAD VAMPIRE: I’ll just eat you before you work all that out, but first I’ll stall a little while for dramatic tension!
AUDIENCE: Baa! I mean Boo! We can't stand the tension even though we all read the book!! Where’s Edward?
EDWARD: Here I come to save the daaayy!!
Scene IX (the prom)
BELLA: I’m so beautiful in this sparkly dress!
EDWARD: I know most people 20 minutes out of high school know that the prom is lame, but the wisdom of my 200 years tells me that if you didn’t go to your prom with a bunch of people who won’t even be in the sequel that your life will be devoid of meaning. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
BELLA: Now I have effortless beauty and meaning! Now kiss me, you great big man-sized popsicle!
AUDIENCE: Yay! Edward’s in a tux! Let’s all go out for creamsicles!
BELLA: Where's my crown?!
(fade to black)
Alright, this is not the FINAL script. I wrote it myself and those damned Hollywood producers made just enough "edits" to it that they didn't have to pay me for it after all. Blood sucking lawyers.
I flagrantly stole the formatting and general idea from Eric Snider who wrote for BYU's student paper a while back and spoofed 'Titanic'. So that's what inspired me in the first place. I am fully expecting a lot of emotional rancor from fans, so, if you share, please don't give out my home address.
I flagrantly stole the formatting and general idea from Eric Snider who wrote for BYU's student paper a while back and spoofed 'Titanic'. So that's what inspired me in the first place. I am fully expecting a lot of emotional rancor from fans, so, if you share, please don't give out my home address.
